A first...Baby steps

Well,

This is the first official blog of me. I would first like to state that I do not think myself important enough for anyone to be interested in this, not to say I am not importance in my own way, well...I guess that’s what this is for. I suppose it doesn’t matter what one writes in these things. Some folks write their own thoughts, some their ideas...No one can say what is important or not. For all I know what I write here could affect one person deeply. The irony of the internet is that it can be so impacting on any one person, but the anonymity it grants keeps that important superficial. No one knows me. My friends do, but not on a level like I know me. And sometimes I wonder at what i know about myself. Take this week for example. My brothers’ wedding is just 3 and a half weeks away. I just invited a boy I really like to my house for the weekend, to spend it with my parents of all things. I tripped on mushrooms, and my grandmother died. Hmmm...Now let’s think about this for a minute. The normal mind would prioritize things somewhat. My grandmother should be number one, however, I haven’t seen her in 6 years, and I was never that close to her. My brothers wedding is huge, I am the best man. And yet, I find myself more excited about the boy. What will we do, will he still like me after the weekend is done. Does this make me a bad person? I grieved for my grandmother. I cried for a few minutes, and then put on a brave face for my family. But here is the kicker. Was the brave face an act, or was I really "OK". I would like to think it was an act. That I was really hurting inside, but the more I think about it, the more I think that I was ok. She was after all 89 years old. She lived a full life. She was loved by her family, if not always tolerated. The thing that scares me the most is that I am not even sure of it myself. I do not know if I am "ok" or not. Part of me wants not to be. Part of me screams at me to grieve. Be sad. But another part is ok. And the fight between the two is what keeps me confused. I guess I sound like a crazy person. I feel sane. I smile when I am happy, and I cry when I am sad. Who defines sanity anyway? Which brings up another point; is sanity subjective? Does an insane person know he is insane? I keep going off on tangents here. This is really the first time I have been allowed to express myself fully. Allowing all to see, and yet anonymous. So this boy, he is really cute and really sweet, so far. I haven’t had much time to get to know him unfortunately; he lives a good 6 hour drive away. Hopefully this weekend will be different. Hopefully we will connect in a way that I have wanted to for a long time, but have been afraid to. I know its asking a lot for a boy I only met a few months ago at a bar...and yet I cling to the possibility that there is hope for me yet. That maybe this boy will be the one. HA! Only time will tell. All i know for sure at this point is that I like him. It’s the kind of boy you crush after without approaching. I am glad I did, however, it was the CC&G that did it for me. Again, anonymity! Isn’t it sad that the most important things we do in life are done when we can shrug off responsibility if it doesn’t work out? He was an ass, I was drunk. HA! Well, Somehow I do not think that will happen. He’s sweet and younger then me. Which is odd, I don’t normally go for younger guys, but hey, stranger things have happened. Time. well...Not that I have run out of things to say, but I think I better leave some for another post. I doubt I will keep this updated regularly, but hey, here it is.

My name is kyle, nice to meet you.