Moving on

I have always believed in Karma. I have always believed in a universal balance to all things. And now I see how that force will bite you in the ass. Things are going really well with Dave, the boy I met new years, and then everything else in my life started falling apart. I'm very close to declaring bankruptcy, I have no job and my relationship with my family is not going very well. Its like I can never have everything in my life going well all at once. Since it's been a while since my last post, I'll break up the events.

Meeting Dave has really brought happiness to my life, in many ways, but I am worried that things will fizzle if it turns out that I can't move to Toronto like I intended to. I Don't have a job right now, and I am so far in debt that it will take a miracle to get me out of it again. Dave is awesome, i must say, he comes to visit me as often as he can, he shows me love and support all the way, and he rubs my back for hours on end. Everything I can hope for, I just really don't want to be the one to hurt him. At first, it was all casual, and it was fun, getting to know each other, learning about each others habits, things like that. Now we are very close, the L word has been uttered and I am terrified of hurting him, and of getting hurt myself. Long distance is very difficult, as I know from experience. In the end, as always, I can analyze, and extrapolate, and guess the outcome, but it does me no good, I can only wait and see the outcome.

I quit my job at HSBC. I really couldn't take it anymore...If you were ever looking for a way to build up bad Karma, try collecting. It is, in my experience, the worst office job the world has to offer. So unemployed, in debt, pretty much freaking out, life goes on.

I learned something today. Something that really makes me glad I am out of that relationship with Sean. Turns out, behind my back, he tried to hook up with a mutual friend of ours. Worse yet, I got angry at this friend because I thought he was making a move on Sean. Sean manipulated me, and lied straight to my face about it. When we first broke up, I really thought we might get back together. Now I see that that will never happen. Love can so easily turn to hate, and honestly, if I don't hate Sean now, I am pretty damn close. I now realize that my family was right all along. Sean has been the most destructive force in my life thus far. I didn't want to hear it, I pushed my family away because of it, only to learn that they were right all along. I feel so much anger right now towards this man that it's all I can do not to call him and tell him all I feel, but that would serve no purpose except to get me even angrier, as I know what his response would be and I do not think I could take that right now. Well, I've ranted enough. I will simmer down, but I will never forgive him. The only thing I want from him now is the money he owes me and then to forget I ever existed.

That almost feels good, ranting like that, particularly since I know that Sean will read all this. And with all the pain he put me through, I want him to wonder what I am taking about, who I am talking about, I want him to feel guilt over it because I am sure this one mutual friend was not the only one Sean lied about. I cheated on Sean once, I admit it, I can only wonder how many people Sean cheated, or tried to cheat on me with. And how much risk he put me in.

Paper Blog

So two months has passed, and a lot has happened. I kept meaning to update my blog but things were happening so fast that I kept waiting for things to die down so the update would be complete, but things never did die down. Since Sebastian, I've dated a few more people. Notably among them is Zach. Zach I met at parking one night, a few weeks before Xmas, and we seemed to hit it off quite well. He's 20, and I should have known I would get the "I'm just not ready for a relationship" speech but I was blinded by enthusiasm, as usual. It's just as well I suppose, as I've met a new guy, who again lives in Toronto. At least I'm consistent. David I met at new years at stereo, and he's a super awesome guy. He's 33, a paramedic, really good looking, even though he's not typically my type. It's refreshing to be with someone who isn't typical for me though. I'm never really sure what to expect. And it's nice to be with someone who isn't poor, someone who can take me out to dinner once in a while, and will accept it when I offer to return the favour. a lot of the guys I date seem to be good looking fluff. No character, no brains. Not so with David, and its nice. He's already come back to visit me once since new years a week ago, and he just left a few hours ago to go back home. What an awesome weekend this was, tho I was very tired on Saturday during my shift. More to come on David as it developed.

I got a new job. Yep, started working again, full time in a call center. I work at HSBC in the Auto Finance department. I wont bore you with the details, and trust me, it is boring, but its steady, good pay, and a job I can keep, even if I move away as there are offices everywhere in the world. I started at the end of November, so already I know I can keep doing it, even though it is quite boring.

Christmas came and went like it always does, but I have to mention, it was not the same for me this year at all. I am normally the one who goes crazy at Christmas, buys tons of presents, blasts Christmas music. This year I was actually not looking forward to it, which is probably why it came up so fast. With everything that's happened to me this year, it's hard to get excited about a day with presents and turkey. Not to say all that happened was bad, it's just that it was eventful, and frankly, not much can really stack up to it. 2006 will be one of the years I will always remember, for the rest of my life. New years you reflect back on the year, at accomplishments and failures, dreams aspired to and dreams reached. With the blow thing coming out, breaking up with Sean, falling for a guy who lives in New Jersey, a series of unfortunate dates, losing the job I had for 5 years and starting a new job, its been one hell of a ride. Life goes on in a similarly faced paced fashion. I've learned a lot these last 12 months, and I am a little wiser, a little more jaded and a little more aware.

Easy come easy go

I think i must have been a really bad person in another life...my Karma sucks! About two weeks ago I met this really amazing guy named Seb online. We spent the first week spending every day together, even spending the night at his place a few times, once while he wasnt even there. We hadnt slept together yet, as I wanted to wait for it to be special. Now, for some reason, he needs time alone to sort through some things. This might be true, but in my experiance, that line is used to let someone down gently. Which sucks. I really saw this one going somewhere. He's really good looking, balanced, doesnt drink, do drugs, smoke. He enjoys dancing and dinning out. He's a great cook, and he's a police officer. What more could I ask for? How about one who isnt terrified of commitment. I should have seen this comming, I really should have. But I didnt. The warning signs were all there but as usual I chose to ignore them in favor of being optimistic. I thought I learned that lesson with Sean, but apperently I am more stubborn then I thought I was. Maybe he is just sorting things out, maybe he does just need some time, but I really doubt it. I told him point blank not to hurt me, and if we were over to just tell me, and not try to spare me. I cant take any more hurt at this point, and the most painfull thing anyone can put me through is to drag this out. If it's over, then so be it, but let it be over. He said he still likes me, and that once he figures things out we might have a shot, and you know what? With all my cynicism, I still believe him on some level of my being. That's just me being hopefull, I know it, but I can't help it. Its part of my personality. To think, Last week I was going to update this blog with how I met him and how great a guy he is, but I put it off, and now look where I am. I get to say how great he is, AND how it didnt work out. Saves some time I suppose. It still hurts though. Why can I not find someone for me? I dont want to be alone anymore. It hurts to be alone.

Shifting Sands

I don’t know if I simply have more to say or if I spend more time on here because I am bored, but whatever the reason, here is another update. Sean sent me a song that he thought summed up my feelings about Cedric in New Jersey. And I have to admit, he's dead on. I guess a year and a half with someone will give them some insight. I'm not exactly certain how to take it coming from Sean. I mean, he's my ex and I know he still has feelings for me so for him to so casually send me something so insightful about someone else I have feelings for is really bittersweet. I think after a few weeks I am finally getting over Cedric, but I know I will continue to think about him from time to time. I think more importantly the song is about my life and how getting away is nice but it doesn’t change things once you return. I am on the dating scene again. I've been on a few dates and its been fun but so far its been a little lacking. I keep bringing up Sean and making comparisons. I think my dates feel a little intimidated about living in Sean’s shadow. I don’t do it on purpose but there it is. One I went on a date with, Oli, I think might have some potential but who knows. Am I even ready for a relationship beyond friendship? I want to think I am but I don’t know if its actually true. The problem is, I want a relationship, but is it because I am so used to it with Sean that I don’t know how to be me anymore? For a while there I thought I did a good job at being me again. I was going out, had a few hook ups, clubbing, dancing, kissing and all the things in my life I enjoyed doing before I met Sean, and Aidan for that matter, but looking back on it its not very fulfilling. Why not? It used to be. Maybe I am just older...or maybe I'm still holding on to some ideal in my mind of where I should be at this point in my life. Maybe I am still holding onto Sean. I've still got sand in my shoes.

Freedom and re-entrapment

Well for anyone who has read all my blogs, I certainly would seem unbalanced. I go from happy to angry and back again with a pit stop at every emotion in-between. I suppose it’s a little like my life, that is to say unbalanced. It really was, and still is if I am going to be completely honest; But yesterday something that happened to me helped clear away some of that which was causing the pain. My boyfriend Sean, sorry, ex-boyfriend, has left my life completely, in all forms. On top of that, my supposed best friend Clinton has decided to join him. One would think that this would be a moment to grieve, but this has been a long time coming, with both of them. Sean tore me to pieces. I admit I must not have made life easy for him either but at least he is not broken. I was. And Clinton, well, lets just say I got tired of babysitting. No matter what I did I either had to include him or else make it up to him so to speak. He was like a little sibling. At first, and for a very long time this was endearing. And being the type of person that I am, one that needs to feel needed, I kept him. But enough is enough. Maybe I was also a little pissed that ever since he got "engaged" I've been dropped like a ton of bricks. I guess I am not needed anymore. Whatever case it may be, I am free of both of them and I feel like some great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I had my first therapy session today. Apparently, I am depressed. Who knew? I never liked that word because I watched my mother go through a depression and I know how devastating it really is, so it’s not a word I use lightly. To be honest, I would not use that word to describe me at all, but this comes from the "professional." I'll admit I have been a little sad lately. My life really is upside down. In the matter of one months time I have gone from where I was in my last update, happy and hopeful, to lethargic, disillusioned and quite simply sad. It doesn’t help that I somehow allowed myself to get attached to a new guy in the process. One who lives a long way away. I am a realistic person, but my heart doesn’t always follow my logic. I know it won’t work, but I still like him, a lot. I know when I went to visit him, which by the way was the best vacation I ever had, I came on very strongly. It’s my usual way. Even though all I wanted, and still want really is a friend, one who I can speak with, one unbiased. It was a little more then that however. I liked him and I know he liked me, at least he said he did, and in my own head it was like we could have the best of both worlds. Like when you start to date someone and you spend all that exciting time getting to know them. And you enjoy more and more all the things about them that in about 6 months time will annoy the hell out of you. Well, I thought I might be able to have this. The beginning of a new relationship without the obligation of having the follow through with anything more then a friendship, but secretly hoping it would go further. I'll admit it. But I am hopeless and that’s not a secret. My mind has been a roller coaster lately with all these what-ifs and possibilities. All I want is some stability, and I know I am well on my way to finding it. If I can only get through the mine field that is my own psyche.

Heart

Well, another long while since I updated, and I have alot to update. First of all, I spent a week in the hospital last week. I went into emergency with severe chest pains and my ECG came up weird, so I was kept in observation for 3 days. Of course, the fact that I am a regular user of Cocaine came up my family staged an intervention. In the end, the chest pains were actually nothing to worry about, likely muscle spasms, and the weird ECG was actually normal for me, I just have a normal variance in my heart, which apperently is rare, but then again, so is being left handed, with much the same danger involved, none. Its been a very tough transition period, as Sean and I have decided that we are both getting off the drug. Funny thing is, we actually decided that before this whole heart thing happened, but maybe it was fate. During the period of getting clean, we have decided not to see each other, likely for 30 to 60 days. Which is very tough for me, I feel really alone and I keep on thinking if there is anyone who knows what I am going through it would be him. I need someone to share this with, someone who understands, and someone I can trust. I know we are making the right decision. Actually, it is Sean making this decision not to see me, but I still think its the right one. Sometimes you have to do things you dont want to in order to get better. He's being great about it tho. He sent me a text message telling me to hang in there and re-affirmed that he loves me. I dont know what I would do if I didnt have him to hang on to. Its really weird to say this but as much as Sean and I fight, and have led each other one a very destructive path, he is still the one I think about in terms of getting a healthy life and lifestyle. Perhaps I am niave or overly hopefull, but whatever it is, it is helping me get through this. The rest of my friends are very supportive of course. I went out last night, I had a good time. Clinton had to call in sick this morning on account of how much fun we had. I had a very strong craving for coke, but I was good. I know it will be a while before I can go out and not have to worry about that, but Clinton was there to help, and he wont let me indulge. The family is also supportive, but unfortunatly, overly so. I know they all love me and care for me very much, but I am starting to suffocate. I know their hearts are in the right place, but I still feel like screaming sometimes. It's like walking on eggshells. I have limited freedom, though thats getting better. My car broke down too last week, and I only just go it back yesterday. Alternator was dead, another 260$ down the drain. Aidan is comming down (See the L word) this weekend which should be alot of fun and alot of stress. It's no secret that I still have feelings for him. I will for the rest of my life. But with Sean and I on a break, and everything else happening in my life right now, I just dont know if I can deal with this. Life is hard. I guess I always knew it was, but I was excaping in my drug world and not dealing with it. Now that I am off it, and have been for a few weeks, its starting to settle on me just how hard this is going to be for me. My money is a mess, I have alienated my family and friends. Well, my family is back now, but it will be a very long time before any of them will trust me again. I deserve it, but doesnt mean I have to like it. One day at a time, every counsellor I have ever known has said these wise words. Day 12 down. Alot more to go.

Sailor

So here I am. High as a kite and drunk as a sailor. Why do I feel like I am 6 feet under? I have seen the end of love. I have seen the end of my life as I know it. (i'm not suicidal, dont get the wrong idea) but the life i have built is gone. Its far away from where I wanted it to be. Its never going to be the same. I love you Sean. I always will. Please dont think that will ever change. Please dont think I have given up on us. I never will. You are the one for me. You are everything to me. I will never be the same without you.