Shifting Sands

I don’t know if I simply have more to say or if I spend more time on here because I am bored, but whatever the reason, here is another update. Sean sent me a song that he thought summed up my feelings about Cedric in New Jersey. And I have to admit, he's dead on. I guess a year and a half with someone will give them some insight. I'm not exactly certain how to take it coming from Sean. I mean, he's my ex and I know he still has feelings for me so for him to so casually send me something so insightful about someone else I have feelings for is really bittersweet. I think after a few weeks I am finally getting over Cedric, but I know I will continue to think about him from time to time. I think more importantly the song is about my life and how getting away is nice but it doesn’t change things once you return. I am on the dating scene again. I've been on a few dates and its been fun but so far its been a little lacking. I keep bringing up Sean and making comparisons. I think my dates feel a little intimidated about living in Sean’s shadow. I don’t do it on purpose but there it is. One I went on a date with, Oli, I think might have some potential but who knows. Am I even ready for a relationship beyond friendship? I want to think I am but I don’t know if its actually true. The problem is, I want a relationship, but is it because I am so used to it with Sean that I don’t know how to be me anymore? For a while there I thought I did a good job at being me again. I was going out, had a few hook ups, clubbing, dancing, kissing and all the things in my life I enjoyed doing before I met Sean, and Aidan for that matter, but looking back on it its not very fulfilling. Why not? It used to be. Maybe I am just older...or maybe I'm still holding on to some ideal in my mind of where I should be at this point in my life. Maybe I am still holding onto Sean. I've still got sand in my shoes.