Heart

Well, another long while since I updated, and I have alot to update. First of all, I spent a week in the hospital last week. I went into emergency with severe chest pains and my ECG came up weird, so I was kept in observation for 3 days. Of course, the fact that I am a regular user of Cocaine came up my family staged an intervention. In the end, the chest pains were actually nothing to worry about, likely muscle spasms, and the weird ECG was actually normal for me, I just have a normal variance in my heart, which apperently is rare, but then again, so is being left handed, with much the same danger involved, none. Its been a very tough transition period, as Sean and I have decided that we are both getting off the drug. Funny thing is, we actually decided that before this whole heart thing happened, but maybe it was fate. During the period of getting clean, we have decided not to see each other, likely for 30 to 60 days. Which is very tough for me, I feel really alone and I keep on thinking if there is anyone who knows what I am going through it would be him. I need someone to share this with, someone who understands, and someone I can trust. I know we are making the right decision. Actually, it is Sean making this decision not to see me, but I still think its the right one. Sometimes you have to do things you dont want to in order to get better. He's being great about it tho. He sent me a text message telling me to hang in there and re-affirmed that he loves me. I dont know what I would do if I didnt have him to hang on to. Its really weird to say this but as much as Sean and I fight, and have led each other one a very destructive path, he is still the one I think about in terms of getting a healthy life and lifestyle. Perhaps I am niave or overly hopefull, but whatever it is, it is helping me get through this. The rest of my friends are very supportive of course. I went out last night, I had a good time. Clinton had to call in sick this morning on account of how much fun we had. I had a very strong craving for coke, but I was good. I know it will be a while before I can go out and not have to worry about that, but Clinton was there to help, and he wont let me indulge. The family is also supportive, but unfortunatly, overly so. I know they all love me and care for me very much, but I am starting to suffocate. I know their hearts are in the right place, but I still feel like screaming sometimes. It's like walking on eggshells. I have limited freedom, though thats getting better. My car broke down too last week, and I only just go it back yesterday. Alternator was dead, another 260$ down the drain. Aidan is comming down (See the L word) this weekend which should be alot of fun and alot of stress. It's no secret that I still have feelings for him. I will for the rest of my life. But with Sean and I on a break, and everything else happening in my life right now, I just dont know if I can deal with this. Life is hard. I guess I always knew it was, but I was excaping in my drug world and not dealing with it. Now that I am off it, and have been for a few weeks, its starting to settle on me just how hard this is going to be for me. My money is a mess, I have alienated my family and friends. Well, my family is back now, but it will be a very long time before any of them will trust me again. I deserve it, but doesnt mean I have to like it. One day at a time, every counsellor I have ever known has said these wise words. Day 12 down. Alot more to go.