like...you know...I like him

So the weekend that the boy i have been crushing over came over finally came...and went. It was good and it was bad. About two weeks ago, he emailed me to tell me that he met someone. I was crushed. well, dissapointed to the extreme anyway. But I still wanted him to come, so I told him we would just be friends. And so we were. We went out clubbing, we went out to dinner, we went shopping. It was fun, things any two friends would do. And it nearly killed me. All I wanted to do is hold his hand, kiss him, hold him. to make matters better, or worse depending on how you look at it, I could tell he wanted to do the same. He was good though, and he didnt cheat on his boyfriend. But when it came time to go to bed, well, there wasnt enough room, and we had to share a bed. now here i am thinking, "must be good must be good" and then all of a sudden, i feel his arm slip around me, and hes spooning me. before i take this story further, thats all that happened. Just some innocent cuddling. I cuddle with my best friend all the time, and its completly platonic. So here we are spooning. It was an interesting night. the saturday was fun. We didnt get to do much however. I had a few errands to run, and then he came over to my house, and we watched Finding nemo in my room. cuddled some more, this time out of lack of room to be able to avoid contact. I have a twin bed. then we went out for dinner again. we talked a little more candidly at dinner this time, but still innocently, if perhaps a little pg 13. after dinner, we went to Clintons, had a drink or two, and then off to Unity to watch the Fireworks show. During the show, his arm goes over my shoulder, and I melt. I dont know why. After the cuddlling, and stuff, you would think I was able to deal, but something about that moment. The fireworks, the people around, the cool night air, and him. It was like a movie with julia roberts. I have never been in love. I thought I was once, but I was wrong. And I am not saying I am in love now. I would call what I am now a mix of lust and strong "real" attraction and "like." I guess you could say I am in like with him. so, after the show, we went to a strip club. Hes never been, so it was a good montrealesque thing to do. We saw one of the hottest guys on the planet there. and we saw him naked. :) after that we decided to catch a late show at the paramount. We saw harry potter 3. now, imagine my dilema. We have cuddled twice before in bed, and he had his arm around me for the fireworks, so here i am, in a movie, its dark, what do I do. In the end, i just put my head on his shoulder, and pretended to sleep. I have seen the movie before. And it was the late show, I was tired. and i just stayed there, listening to him breath. heaven. then we went home, went to bed, and cuddled some more. Sunday arrives, and I have a BBQ at my parents place for fathers day. After buying a card, we go. once there, my whole family is now meeting the boy that, in my mind at least, i will be with for a long long time. If ever it works out with the distance, and his other boyfriend. My parents have never met any of my loves interests. Sp this was a bit of an ackward moment. but he handled it very well. At one point, after the meal, and i went for a smokre he stayed and talked with my mom for 10 minutes. Just talking. I have no idea about what but it was really symbollilc. Then my two sisters-in-law both gave him a double kiss on the cheek (as per french custom) as if he was a family member or close friend. then i beat him in chess (third time that weekend) and we went to angrignon. This was our last few moments to be alone together. We went into a pet store, and then it closed 5 minutes later. I forgot it was sunday. So we had a smoke in the smoking section, and we had to leave for the airport.

The good bye.

This was the hardest part of my weekend. As is usually the case. We got to the airport, and we had to part ways. Now, in my head, I know we are going to see each other again. In fact, I am planning on going to see him in july. many times. and he will come down and see me again. but this goodbye, was tough. I got out of the car so I could give him a hug, and, well, as far as hugs go, it was good. Very firm, like he didnt want to let me go, and i didnt either. then, just as a goodbye, he gives me a kiss. Just a peck, but it was enough to floor me. we hugged again, and I said goodbye. turning my back to keep the emotion from showing on my face. And I drove away. he ended up missing his flight, and calling me to chat from the airport. He finally took off an hour and a half later. well, We will meet agian. And if he ends up being the one, which i am not saying now, and yet i dont doubt, then I may just move to toronto. I have never felt this way, and I have to trust my heart on this one. If I dont do something, that I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Regret for ones actions is a heavy burden to bear. Regret for ones inactions is unbearable.