Alone in the dark

Almost 10 months ago, I was going through a crisis. I'm not sure exactly what kind of crisis, wasn't exactly an identity crisis, nor was it a financial or even a relationship crisis. I just felt that I had stopped moving and the world kept going, and that I would never be able to catch up. Then I met Sean, and while I wont be ignorant to say that it was an instant cure, over time, Sean helped me realize that I am not alone, that I had him. More and more I came to depend on his rock solid presence. Even though we have our fair number of disagreements, he was there and I began to take that for granted. Now he's gone. We broke up. While there is hope of us getting back together, I am slowly coming to the realization that I am utterly alone again. I feel as though the earth has fallen out from under me and I am falling in blackness. Alone. I have gotten so used to having Sean there, to help him, and in turn help me that I forgot what its like to be alone. I drew strength from him by being strong for him. What I mean is, I had to be strong for Sean, because he needed my strength, and in turn, the strength I had to show for him I used to help me. Now I have no one to be strong for. Don't get me wrong, I know my own worth and I am not saying I am nothing without him, what I am saying is that I am alone without him, and the thought scares the living hell out of me. Solitude is not something I have ever been good with. I enjoy and even need some alone time, but even then I knew that I had someone to go back to. To go home to.

I finally finished the project I promised Sean I would finish for him. I made a list of songs that I feel represent me with him, or him, or us. I had been putting it off because fitting about 20 songs onto one CD means I have to be very choosey. After I started, I realized I had way too many songs, so I burned 6 CDs. Maybe a little much, but it really helped. Not all the songs were love songs. There were some songs in there to describe my anger, resentment, love, fear and eveything else I feel for him. You can call it a project of love, I call it a project of peace of mind. Maybe this will give him some of the insight he lacks which I beleive played a part in the end of our relationship. Needless to say, I have been going through an emotional rolloercoaster since this happened. I ended up breaking it off, which I never thought I could do. I did it because I realized that the only reason I couldnt do it was because I was afraid of being alone. That is NOT a good reason to keep a relationship going. It should be ablout love, not fear. As time goes on, I find I am less and less afraid, and I think once I am over the fear, I will be in a better position to determine if I want to get back together, because then, it wont be out of fear, but love. If it's true, then it will happen. If you love someone, let them go. I hope he'll come back to me, but in the dark, I can't see him comming, and he might not see me either.