Shifting Sands

I don’t know if I simply have more to say or if I spend more time on here because I am bored, but whatever the reason, here is another update. Sean sent me a song that he thought summed up my feelings about Cedric in New Jersey. And I have to admit, he's dead on. I guess a year and a half with someone will give them some insight. I'm not exactly certain how to take it coming from Sean. I mean, he's my ex and I know he still has feelings for me so for him to so casually send me something so insightful about someone else I have feelings for is really bittersweet. I think after a few weeks I am finally getting over Cedric, but I know I will continue to think about him from time to time. I think more importantly the song is about my life and how getting away is nice but it doesn’t change things once you return. I am on the dating scene again. I've been on a few dates and its been fun but so far its been a little lacking. I keep bringing up Sean and making comparisons. I think my dates feel a little intimidated about living in Sean’s shadow. I don’t do it on purpose but there it is. One I went on a date with, Oli, I think might have some potential but who knows. Am I even ready for a relationship beyond friendship? I want to think I am but I don’t know if its actually true. The problem is, I want a relationship, but is it because I am so used to it with Sean that I don’t know how to be me anymore? For a while there I thought I did a good job at being me again. I was going out, had a few hook ups, clubbing, dancing, kissing and all the things in my life I enjoyed doing before I met Sean, and Aidan for that matter, but looking back on it its not very fulfilling. Why not? It used to be. Maybe I am just older...or maybe I'm still holding on to some ideal in my mind of where I should be at this point in my life. Maybe I am still holding onto Sean. I've still got sand in my shoes.

Freedom and re-entrapment

Well for anyone who has read all my blogs, I certainly would seem unbalanced. I go from happy to angry and back again with a pit stop at every emotion in-between. I suppose it’s a little like my life, that is to say unbalanced. It really was, and still is if I am going to be completely honest; But yesterday something that happened to me helped clear away some of that which was causing the pain. My boyfriend Sean, sorry, ex-boyfriend, has left my life completely, in all forms. On top of that, my supposed best friend Clinton has decided to join him. One would think that this would be a moment to grieve, but this has been a long time coming, with both of them. Sean tore me to pieces. I admit I must not have made life easy for him either but at least he is not broken. I was. And Clinton, well, lets just say I got tired of babysitting. No matter what I did I either had to include him or else make it up to him so to speak. He was like a little sibling. At first, and for a very long time this was endearing. And being the type of person that I am, one that needs to feel needed, I kept him. But enough is enough. Maybe I was also a little pissed that ever since he got "engaged" I've been dropped like a ton of bricks. I guess I am not needed anymore. Whatever case it may be, I am free of both of them and I feel like some great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I had my first therapy session today. Apparently, I am depressed. Who knew? I never liked that word because I watched my mother go through a depression and I know how devastating it really is, so it’s not a word I use lightly. To be honest, I would not use that word to describe me at all, but this comes from the "professional." I'll admit I have been a little sad lately. My life really is upside down. In the matter of one months time I have gone from where I was in my last update, happy and hopeful, to lethargic, disillusioned and quite simply sad. It doesn’t help that I somehow allowed myself to get attached to a new guy in the process. One who lives a long way away. I am a realistic person, but my heart doesn’t always follow my logic. I know it won’t work, but I still like him, a lot. I know when I went to visit him, which by the way was the best vacation I ever had, I came on very strongly. It’s my usual way. Even though all I wanted, and still want really is a friend, one who I can speak with, one unbiased. It was a little more then that however. I liked him and I know he liked me, at least he said he did, and in my own head it was like we could have the best of both worlds. Like when you start to date someone and you spend all that exciting time getting to know them. And you enjoy more and more all the things about them that in about 6 months time will annoy the hell out of you. Well, I thought I might be able to have this. The beginning of a new relationship without the obligation of having the follow through with anything more then a friendship, but secretly hoping it would go further. I'll admit it. But I am hopeless and that’s not a secret. My mind has been a roller coaster lately with all these what-ifs and possibilities. All I want is some stability, and I know I am well on my way to finding it. If I can only get through the mine field that is my own psyche.