Over you

Well, not exactly. I still think about my boy alot. I guess I should stop calling him that, since he really isnt. At least one good thing happened out of all this. I decided to move to Toronto. Not for him exactly. He was just the push I needed. I am going to wait for my best friend to move with me, and then, after we are in the same city, we will see where we can take it. Hopefully we'll both be single. For right now, I am just enjoying life. I met someone new. Really cool guy, who has this awesome accent. Kinda so cal or something. Hes a maritimer. And he wickedly sexy. Now my Brothers wedding is at the top of my list. Its in 4 days. Man time flies. Seems like only 18 months ago we had a whole year and a half to plan this thing. and, even more excitingly, I will be 21 in two weeks. Well, actually, its closer to three weeks, but whos counting. Its 18 days. whatever. that should be fun. And for anyone wondering, my birthday is on the 14th of July, and that makes me a Cancer.

So yeah, I think thats all I needed to say. Not that I needed to say it, but whatever, I know you are all dying to know what is going on with me. Here ya go.

Enjoy.
K

like...you know...I like him

So the weekend that the boy i have been crushing over came over finally came...and went. It was good and it was bad. About two weeks ago, he emailed me to tell me that he met someone. I was crushed. well, dissapointed to the extreme anyway. But I still wanted him to come, so I told him we would just be friends. And so we were. We went out clubbing, we went out to dinner, we went shopping. It was fun, things any two friends would do. And it nearly killed me. All I wanted to do is hold his hand, kiss him, hold him. to make matters better, or worse depending on how you look at it, I could tell he wanted to do the same. He was good though, and he didnt cheat on his boyfriend. But when it came time to go to bed, well, there wasnt enough room, and we had to share a bed. now here i am thinking, "must be good must be good" and then all of a sudden, i feel his arm slip around me, and hes spooning me. before i take this story further, thats all that happened. Just some innocent cuddling. I cuddle with my best friend all the time, and its completly platonic. So here we are spooning. It was an interesting night. the saturday was fun. We didnt get to do much however. I had a few errands to run, and then he came over to my house, and we watched Finding nemo in my room. cuddled some more, this time out of lack of room to be able to avoid contact. I have a twin bed. then we went out for dinner again. we talked a little more candidly at dinner this time, but still innocently, if perhaps a little pg 13. after dinner, we went to Clintons, had a drink or two, and then off to Unity to watch the Fireworks show. During the show, his arm goes over my shoulder, and I melt. I dont know why. After the cuddlling, and stuff, you would think I was able to deal, but something about that moment. The fireworks, the people around, the cool night air, and him. It was like a movie with julia roberts. I have never been in love. I thought I was once, but I was wrong. And I am not saying I am in love now. I would call what I am now a mix of lust and strong "real" attraction and "like." I guess you could say I am in like with him. so, after the show, we went to a strip club. Hes never been, so it was a good montrealesque thing to do. We saw one of the hottest guys on the planet there. and we saw him naked. :) after that we decided to catch a late show at the paramount. We saw harry potter 3. now, imagine my dilema. We have cuddled twice before in bed, and he had his arm around me for the fireworks, so here i am, in a movie, its dark, what do I do. In the end, i just put my head on his shoulder, and pretended to sleep. I have seen the movie before. And it was the late show, I was tired. and i just stayed there, listening to him breath. heaven. then we went home, went to bed, and cuddled some more. Sunday arrives, and I have a BBQ at my parents place for fathers day. After buying a card, we go. once there, my whole family is now meeting the boy that, in my mind at least, i will be with for a long long time. If ever it works out with the distance, and his other boyfriend. My parents have never met any of my loves interests. Sp this was a bit of an ackward moment. but he handled it very well. At one point, after the meal, and i went for a smokre he stayed and talked with my mom for 10 minutes. Just talking. I have no idea about what but it was really symbollilc. Then my two sisters-in-law both gave him a double kiss on the cheek (as per french custom) as if he was a family member or close friend. then i beat him in chess (third time that weekend) and we went to angrignon. This was our last few moments to be alone together. We went into a pet store, and then it closed 5 minutes later. I forgot it was sunday. So we had a smoke in the smoking section, and we had to leave for the airport.

The good bye.

This was the hardest part of my weekend. As is usually the case. We got to the airport, and we had to part ways. Now, in my head, I know we are going to see each other again. In fact, I am planning on going to see him in july. many times. and he will come down and see me again. but this goodbye, was tough. I got out of the car so I could give him a hug, and, well, as far as hugs go, it was good. Very firm, like he didnt want to let me go, and i didnt either. then, just as a goodbye, he gives me a kiss. Just a peck, but it was enough to floor me. we hugged again, and I said goodbye. turning my back to keep the emotion from showing on my face. And I drove away. he ended up missing his flight, and calling me to chat from the airport. He finally took off an hour and a half later. well, We will meet agian. And if he ends up being the one, which i am not saying now, and yet i dont doubt, then I may just move to toronto. I have never felt this way, and I have to trust my heart on this one. If I dont do something, that I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Regret for ones actions is a heavy burden to bear. Regret for ones inactions is unbearable.

A means to an end

Just a quick note. I thought it important enough to share. My parents came back today from Edmonton, where they were making the arrangements for my grandmothers funeral. It was a mixed emotion day, as we celebrated my dads birthday, and then my Mother showed me the urn that now houses my grandmother. I was pretty good with it all. I felt a pang of sadness for my grandmother, such a strong and powerfull woman, now house in a marble cube the sixe of a shoe box. Its really a nice Urn. White marble with an Irish prayer written in green.

"May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind always be at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
and rains fall soft upon your fields
and until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand"

Everything was fine. But then my mother came into my room to give me a candle holder. It was the gift I bought my Grandmother for Christmas last year. When she got it she called me and told me how much she loved it, and that I spoiled her with such a beautiful gift. It really is a nice candle holder. Carved into a triangle stone is a Celtic Cross with a place for a tea light at each point. My mother handed it to me, and I just stared at it. Traced the pattern of the knot for a minute or two, and cried. I guess it never hit me until that moment that she was gone. I guess I really was sad. I guess I am sad. my only regret is that she didnt get to enjoy it more. My mother tells me it was on her dresser. Next to her bed. I never beleived in God. never really had a reason to. And now that I am faced with death, the death of someone I loved, I regret not having that belief. All I can do now is hope that she is in a better place. Hope a better place exists, even if I never get to see it. More then that though, I hope she can see me now, hear me say "I love you" one more time.

Goodbye Grandma, I love you

A first...Baby steps

Well,

This is the first official blog of me. I would first like to state that I do not think myself important enough for anyone to be interested in this, not to say I am not importance in my own way, well...I guess that’s what this is for. I suppose it doesn’t matter what one writes in these things. Some folks write their own thoughts, some their ideas...No one can say what is important or not. For all I know what I write here could affect one person deeply. The irony of the internet is that it can be so impacting on any one person, but the anonymity it grants keeps that important superficial. No one knows me. My friends do, but not on a level like I know me. And sometimes I wonder at what i know about myself. Take this week for example. My brothers’ wedding is just 3 and a half weeks away. I just invited a boy I really like to my house for the weekend, to spend it with my parents of all things. I tripped on mushrooms, and my grandmother died. Hmmm...Now let’s think about this for a minute. The normal mind would prioritize things somewhat. My grandmother should be number one, however, I haven’t seen her in 6 years, and I was never that close to her. My brothers wedding is huge, I am the best man. And yet, I find myself more excited about the boy. What will we do, will he still like me after the weekend is done. Does this make me a bad person? I grieved for my grandmother. I cried for a few minutes, and then put on a brave face for my family. But here is the kicker. Was the brave face an act, or was I really "OK". I would like to think it was an act. That I was really hurting inside, but the more I think about it, the more I think that I was ok. She was after all 89 years old. She lived a full life. She was loved by her family, if not always tolerated. The thing that scares me the most is that I am not even sure of it myself. I do not know if I am "ok" or not. Part of me wants not to be. Part of me screams at me to grieve. Be sad. But another part is ok. And the fight between the two is what keeps me confused. I guess I sound like a crazy person. I feel sane. I smile when I am happy, and I cry when I am sad. Who defines sanity anyway? Which brings up another point; is sanity subjective? Does an insane person know he is insane? I keep going off on tangents here. This is really the first time I have been allowed to express myself fully. Allowing all to see, and yet anonymous. So this boy, he is really cute and really sweet, so far. I haven’t had much time to get to know him unfortunately; he lives a good 6 hour drive away. Hopefully this weekend will be different. Hopefully we will connect in a way that I have wanted to for a long time, but have been afraid to. I know its asking a lot for a boy I only met a few months ago at a bar...and yet I cling to the possibility that there is hope for me yet. That maybe this boy will be the one. HA! Only time will tell. All i know for sure at this point is that I like him. It’s the kind of boy you crush after without approaching. I am glad I did, however, it was the CC&G that did it for me. Again, anonymity! Isn’t it sad that the most important things we do in life are done when we can shrug off responsibility if it doesn’t work out? He was an ass, I was drunk. HA! Well, Somehow I do not think that will happen. He’s sweet and younger then me. Which is odd, I don’t normally go for younger guys, but hey, stranger things have happened. Time. well...Not that I have run out of things to say, but I think I better leave some for another post. I doubt I will keep this updated regularly, but hey, here it is.

My name is kyle, nice to meet you.